Hero's and Simple Pleasures.
Nothing satisfy's me atm, I'm completely bored and it doesn't help that someone who eased some of that boredom with daily laughter has suddenly been taken from my life, with no warning, no goodbye, just on the phone one morning as usual and the next day, to try and comprehend that there will never be another phone call again. The ultimate French exit of our party.
The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. I realised how thankful I am for the hero's in my life. They maybe don't always appear to have leading roles on the outside but I'm actually a little bit floored by the kindness of my chosen family.
When your whole world shifts and you gain a new perspective, these things really stand out, whether it's a daily text just asking how I'm doing, being greeted with my favourite chocolate bar, a rogue 'I love you' text often, much needed company and smiles, I've realised I'm very lucky, I mean, I always feel lucky to have the people I do in my life, but the last few weeks, I've felt especially lucky.
Life is one big manoeuvre through things both good and bad. It's also really fucking hard at times, the older I get, the harder I realise it can be, but also the more you learn to cope with. Of course, some things you can never prepare for and I think that by living your life being kind, giving the people you love the time they deserve, speaking to them often, checking in, making memories, means that when the things that you never think in your worst nightmares would happen, do happen, hopefully you'll have a network of people to help keep you afloat.
My close circle of friends are all trying to work their way through these few weeks, with an underlying dull ache in our hearts. I can see everyone is trying to take each day and slowly keep moving forward. I'm so thankful that we speak all the time and can share this heavy load with each other. I know though, that we are all struggling and that it's the small things that give simple pleasures that are helping. Lauren sent me a photo of the flowers and fresh herbs she'd bought earlier, part of her determination to claw her way through another day.
I haven't written much recently as I don't really have any words atm to write down - trying to understand grief and a loss like this, all a completely new feeling and emotion to anything I have ever felt. I've been heartbroken in the past from relationships, and break-ups can sometimes feel like a death of sorts but this is a whole new world to try and navigate. You get on with your days and sometimes you wonder how life can for a brief moment feel normal again but there's this heavy weight on your heart at all times and a scary reality that you're world will always feel differently now.
I think about you all the time Harls, ALL the time, it's so impossible to make what happened feel real still, my brain tells me 'he's just away on a work trip' and it's a sudden jolt when reality sets in again. It's such a beautiful weekend, you would have LOVED it, out and about, boozing with the boys- I went to call you again while walking home this morning from Blok. I really miss you x