Void + Annoyed
28th June 2018
39 Days
I'm a bit lost on this journal entry, I can't quite put my finger on how I'm feeling. I found I was writing on these moments of extreme high which I've read you have in your first 100 days of sobriety (whether that's true or not who knows but even if it's a placebo effect - it does seem to happen, maybe that's a nice way of putting - feeling smug lol)
Today was the first time I posted publicly about being sober - and it's made me feel really anxious, not sure why, maybe because if I slip up now I'll feel judged? Today I just feel a sense of anxiety.
Anyway, am currently trying to figure out that feeling, that's another thing with sobriety, you have to feel everything without a mist of booze or drugs, recently Selma Blaire posted an Instagram post celebrating two years of sobriety, she worded it "two years of feeling everything and nothing" that's a very accurate description.
I'm feeling a bit bleugh so I'm going to write out my gratitude list which I find SO helpful when you feel in a weird slump or boredom cos you've got the going out itch.
1. Alice + Joe - I'm grateful for these two, (my sister and her husband) They are the most secure thing in my life. Alice is without doubt the most supportive person in my life. She's my soundboard, she is rational and above all, loves me more than anyone else does. She wants only the best for me and she shares my history. She's just become a first time mum and I honestly can't think of someone who'll do the job justice more!
2. My friends - without sounding like a cliche bullet point, I've got some of the most amazing people in my life. In my actual journal I wrote them out and why I love them, so many different people and unique reasons. Honestly, if you're feeling a little bit bleugh, write about your mates and why you love them, I'll guarantee this will make you feel better, smile and probably want to give one of them a call... One thing about giving up drink is that your friendships change, or more accurately some drop like flies, and that's ok! Of course when you're out every few nights of the week you're gonna have a LOAD of party pals...and they'll still be people you wanna give a massive hug and be pleased when you see them! But your really strong friendships - they are there drink or no drink, wild night out or not so wild night in.
3. My work, I'm so lucky, I love my work, I never dread a day and although of course there are moments I'm totally stressed out or lose a client and therefore panic about money for a minute but the opportunities are endless and I get to work with some of the most interesting people. My work is very around the clock, I work managing brands Social Media, so there are a billion alarms on my phone for announcements, postings, etc... being hangover free definitely helps in that department.
4. Queenie - my pug, can be a total pain in the ass BUT she gives me purpose, teaches me how to look after something. She's also amazing company and has never failed to make me laugh when I've felt sad.
5. Blok I've suffered with Bulimia since I was 17 so exercise is a necessity in my life and Blok is the best. Exercise makes me feel in control and like I'm achieving something.
Anyway, nothing particularly profound in here but write out what your grateful for if you're feeling shitty, pretty sure it'll help.