Jon Dory You Harley.

So, this is how it feels when one of your best friends die. You always kind of wonder what these insane things would feel like. It felt nothing like I ever thought it could. Yesterday is a day I would gladly forget but I doubt that I ever will. It was the day that meant my world would never be quite as funny again.

I can't begin to imagine what life will be like now and how I'll get through the next week without at least four phone calls to you, during which we would laugh for 85% of it and gossip for the remaining 15%.

It's such a cliche but you never think you'll be any part of the kind tragedy that can strike when you least expect it, those kind of phone calls are saved for Tv series and sad movies, they aren't meant to be a part of your own reality.

Reality still hasn't kicked in and I'm not too sure how or when any of this can ever feel real. I've never had someone close to me die, I don't suppose it comes with any kind of handbook either. This wasn't just anyone, this was the most colourful, hilarious, ridiculous person, someone who would make me laugh within minutes of talking to each other, and I don't mean laugh like haha, I mean belly laughs, the kind laughs that give you what you need in a day.

Grief is slowly starting to hit as the last 24 hours have been a complete blur, the kind of madness I never thought I would ever experience. To hear that one of your best friends has died is something that only nightmares are made of. How do we all begin to cope with this loss. I'm in Gatwick airport right now, flying to my sister's for a few days, I'm walking around in a daze, stopping in the middle of the airport and bursting into tears every now and then and I'm so snappy with strangers, how can they not know what is happening, how can the whole world not be in a state of shock that you're gone. I want to scream at them, stop being normal, Harls is gone.

You have left such a huge hole, I keep running though our conversations in my head, over and over, hearing your voice saying all your catch phrases. Gutted that they’ll be no new ones. It was always funny to hear a new one getting phased in, initially we’d all question it but within a few weeks everyone would be using it as if it was a phrase that had been in our vocabulary forever.

Jon dory - j’adore

Poppy in the scrappy

Stinkiiin

Hello my love

Ooh, don’t you know

Yeah, well.

Sunny B

Smeg

Sorry, can I just remind you

What are you ACTUALLY doing?

Slug

Stunnage

Set to stun

Quite great

ooh, your hard.

You had a way to make me feel better in the most depressing situations, I remember always calling either you or Dan if I felt anxious or down because I knew within minutes, not only would you have me laughing but you’d be ripping the piss out of the thing that had upset me in the first place. You would have loved all of this, you would have laughed so hard that I got the phonecall I never wanted during a first date, I keep wanting to tell you that, as I know you would have found it so hilarious. You would have said ‘that’s quite great’ before retelling the story to loads of ppl, adding all your own over the top additions of course. You were so so so funny Harls, charisma beyond belief, I'll miss being in a restaurant with you and watching you try and charm the waitress, telling you off for being a creep.

You deserve all the tears that ppl are crying, you deserve all the kind words, the funny stories, the silent moments, you deserve all of it because you were a GREAT friend, You made everyone you cared about feel important to you, you called often, you loved dinners and of course you loved the pub. I loved our friendship so much , it brought me so much joy and I feel blessed that you considered me one of your best friends. The thought of not having it anymore is something that is going to take a lot of work to accept. Dan described it perfectly yesterday, a huge mountain ahead of us that we just can't be bothered to climb...it feels to enormous to tackle. I don't want to.

Your friendships were your world, you loved your girls and oh my god did we love you! You were the only man who could get away with the things you did, you could get away with murder. You were the person you’d always want to turn up at your birthday party but that you knew probably wouldn’t, t for some reason you got away with all that, because all the times you did turn up made up for any times that you didn’t.

I will miss asking for your advice on boys and you telling me point blank how awful you all are, laughing to you about dates, and sending you screen shots of terrible dating profiles, you got such joy from all of these things and I got joy from that. You made everything a little bit lighter - even when something terrible had happened you could find a way to make it funny. The one person I want to tell about all of this and you’re gone. I went to call you this morning while I walked to the train, In our friendship group, we speak a lot on the phone, we all love a walk talk and you more than anyone, the man who walked everywhere - you must have clocked up so many miles in those Prada’s.

I have years of memories with you but one of my favourite was a few weeks ago, when you came over to watch tv and eat snacks, you’d got annoyed with me for not being specific about what snacks I wanted and I was so intrigued by what you brought - you’re not someone I associate with cooking at home, you brought a loaf of bread, cooked chicken, cheese, salad, and you made me sandwiches and crisps on a plate, it was such a childlike meal but it was so good -and we just lay on the sofa, watching the bros documentary again, between you getting up and doing silly dance moves or being weird with Queenie, which you always were. She never quite knew how to take you, she kinda loved you and kinda felt nervous haha! I can’t look at her without hearing you call her ‘young lady’ or seeing you rubbing your head on her. ( it was all very weird but you weren’t an average person were you).

My heart is broken Harls, I will miss you terribly, I’m sorry I missed your call on Friday night, not for you as I know you had your little list of ppl to call, and Dave was the lucky one who picked up but sorry for me, cos I didn’t get one last silly phone call with you. I’d give anything for a phonecall with you right now.

Thank you for being such an important person in my life, for being a great friend, for being the laughter, for always being so inappropriate, for being generous, (I owe you a million fags), for being proud of me, it wasn't in your nature to be soppy, but you had your own way of letting me know, telling me that you loved my blog piece and it made you feel emotional before quickly saying something offensive to balance out the soppiness. For being there at me and Jim's Selfridges launch all those years ago with Bambi and Manson, and beaming with pride that we'd done that, I always remember you wanting a photo with me next to the stand and loving that you felt proud of me. Thank you for taking the piss out me so often, for making us never take ourselves too seriously. Thank you for being one of my best friends. I don't believe in the afterlife or heaven and hell but wherever you are, I hope that you're laughing, wearing that Jil Sander jacket and enjoying all the attention you've got right now here back in the land of the living, where life will never be quite the same again. I love you so much and will miss you unbearably.