Mercury is fucking with us all.

Lots of my posts are positive - it's easy to write when things are going well...but what happens when the shit hits the fan and stresses really pile up. Well, that's what happened over the last few weeks.

A bunch of things happened which hit all my trigger buttons, as I've said I don't go to AA...so I have to lean on other things.

I can't just post about the glossy great side...I have to post about the shitty bits too. I emailed my sister a really raw email, it was an open rant and there were no holds barred, when we spoke afterward she said that I should put all this stuff in my blog too and she's right, it shouldn't just be the glossy lovely, sunny side where I fix everything with a sound bath. She also said that part of what she enjoys reading in my blog is the honesty...so here you go, here's some honesty.

Had to take the morning after pill and it really fucks with me, so I know why I feel this way but those sneaky hormones have got in and are truly fucking with my brain. Making me feel old familiar feelings, triggering old bad habits. In some ways it's good because at least I recognize what's happening now, it's not good that I've eaten bad food, made myself sick, reached out grasping for someone to make me feel loved, looking for it in places that I know it's not to be found. (Co-dependancy rearing it's needy head.) I'm missing having someone to rant about these things to and share the load with, which is again something we're not meant to say out loud... I need someone right now, my friends are the best but it would be nice to have someone to make me a cuppa put big arms around me and say it's all gonna be ok, it's ok to want that sometimes, it doesn't make you weaker or desperate for a man.

At least I have awareness of what's going on and I'm not blindly repeating bad habits. I'm repeating them knowingly...I think that's better?! Is it? So now I have to dig deep and find the strength to IGNORE the cravings and kick like a little ninja against all the feelings that keep coming at me.

My brain is so predictable when it's like this. Restless and want to go out and get drunk, can't so just want to sleep ALL THE TIME, want bad food, feel guilty for the bad food, throw up the bad food. Cry because suddenly I feel that I'm alone - but I'm actually fine. IT IS just hormones. No-one really talks about the morning after pill and how much it can affect you. It's a forced period essentially and let's face it, one a month is more than enough.

So, apparently Mercury is in Retrograde, during this period of time Mercury is going backward, my friend Henry shouts 'Hippie' at me the moment I even mention it BUT I SWEAR IT"S A THING...and now he's even feeling it - so HIPPIE YOURSELF HENRY!

Mercury retrograde kicked off on March 5, 2019. As of this date apparently, you must pay extra attention because things are set to go very wrong! You can expect misunderstandings, bad communication, and general bad luck. You may also be in for some bad financial news during this period. Tick, tick, tick, and TICK. How do you deal with a shit load of things going wrong when you can't just go out and get blind drunk to escape it all? YOU JUST HAVE TO FEEL IT ALL...which sucks.

A spatula broke while I was cooking on Tuesday...a SPATULA?! When have you ever heard of a spatula breaking? In fact, when have any of my friends heard of me cooking?! I'm fully aware that a spatula breaking is a minor... but then some real serious shit happened, leaving my family in a state of shock, trying to pull myself out of bed in the morning atm is like pulling myself out of superglue, but I'm forcing it, and going to Blok even though every ounce of my body doesn't want to.

I'm craving everything that's bad for me...on all levels... so right now I'm trying to just switch my mindset but it's REALLY HARD. I've taken emotional and financial blows over the past few weeks and I feel like it's using ALL my energy to stay on track. I also believe in 'The Secret' so know that if I keep having negative thoughts I'm only going attract more negative...(Henry screams 'Hippie' at me again*)

So there is your honesty...I'm sorry as these last few posts have just felt like massive moans but I suppose I need to do that too and this blog is my way of getting all this shit out in a healthy way. Even though things feel really difficult atm I also need to stop and be grateful for what I do have. I always bang on about doing gratitude lists in times like this... so I'm going to do one and keep switching my mind over to a better frequency. This is just how it goes, isn't it? Life is one massive manoeuvre through ups and downs.