Dear drunk Polly...

Dear Drunk Polly,

You’re ok, stop beating yourself up. You’re going to naturally come to a point where things change for you. (Your very good friend Sam said this to you about a year ago and you should always listen to friends that know you inside out!)

With every hangover the seed that’s been planted about sobriety is being watered... even though right now during this latest hangover you feel like you could drink a waterfall and it wouldn’t be enough liquid.

Keep questioning why you are doing things, what you are gaining and how you are feeling.

I know you occasionally feel sad for no apparent reason, this will stop and you will only feel sad when something sad happens...that, or you’re on your period.

You can’t force this change, it’s going to come when it comes so just go with it and enjoy yourself until it does.

The most important thing is that you understand your relationship with drink and drugs. You’re not an addict, but you’re bored, you feel like you’re living through Groundhog Day... it doesn’t seem to matter what party or event you’re at, or how many glasses of wine you drink it’s never managing to satisfy you and your needs. You’ll find other things that feed you, wonderful, meaningful things, things and people that teach you so much.

you learn to be truly comfortable in your own skin without needing the lubrications of drink or drugs that you relied on before.

You find an inner peace with being on your own which in turn makes you start to write and read more.

Although the main loves of your life have always been your friendships, never has this been more apparent than now.

Your skin is going to improve, your relationship with food is going to get healthier, your dedication to working out becomes even stronger.

Life won’t be perfect - because life isn’t perfect but you will have the inner calm and rationale to deal with the imperfections the way they should be dealt with, you learn how to file the shitty things in each of their different boxes and the box that is labelled ‘The Real Shit’ is no longer filled with things that didn’t truly belong there, that box is pretty much empty because most things can now just be fixed with an early night, a cuppa and a biscuit, Uber eats or a real conversation - the drama that used to fill your brain slowly fades away.

You also start to value yourself and your time more, you stop pouring yourself into friendships that are actually quite one-sided, you realise who the people are that actually deserve all the love you keep giving away and save it up for them!

You also give yourself the love you deserve, you finally understand the terms ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ and you start to discover all these wonderful ways you can exercise them, you discover wellness and realise that an evening spent doing a soundbath, yoga and having some interesting conversations

is so much more effective than drowning your sorrows in red wine and then waking up with a hangover. That being said sometimes you also need to get dressed up, go out and dance - you realise that dancing sober is actually really fun (and good cardio).

You meet lots of boys but you begin to slowly not find this as important as it once was, instead of letting people in too quickly you start to make friendships with the boys you meet and see if there is anything meaningful there that should be invested in. You let go easily of those that shouldn’t, rather than clinging on in the hope that their red flags become green lights. You meet one boy in particular who you start to like and you don’t even notice that you’ve never once been drunk together. You laugh with him all the time and nothing about it is fake because there’s no boozy dates to hide behind, you have honest conversations and are clearer with your boundaries. You don’t know what will happen with this one but you’re also ok about that and don’t find yourself desperate for clarification and to lock him down in attempt to feel secure- because you already feel secure, and you on your own is now becoming enough- he’s a bonus.

I have even more good news...you buy LOTS of clothes and shoes and guess what...you get the Miu Miu shoes you’ve wanted for so long because bars and coke dealers no longer have shares in ‘the bank of Polly’

You get sick and that’s what finally brings on the change, your body is resilient and you gain a new found respect for it and how much of a little fighter it really is, you’re are a million times stronger and more capable than you think. The hospital portion of this experience will be scary and horrible but you’ll get through it with the help of your beautiful friendships and the wonderful people of the NHS!

So, Drunk Polly, in summary, you’re ok, you’re not doing anything wrong but you’re ready for a change and it’s going to be beautiful!

All my love,

Sober Polly x