Co-Dependancy / Imposter Syndrome.

I haven't written for ages...firstly, because I'm not feeling great and secondly because I've had imposter syndrome. Right now, it feels uncomfortable to write so I'm forcing myself to. I'm pretty sure this post is going to be hella boring to anyone reading it, but the last week or so I've been feeling so uneasy and shitty that I needed to just get it out in the hopes that it will stop me feeling shitty...so apologies if this is a self-indulgent rant but also I'm writing this blog for myself, not for anyone else, so if you find it boring, feel free to stop reading too!

I am definitely someone who had some co-dependency issues following on from a very serious boyfriend of around 5 years. Best friend, love of my life and one of those people that EVERYONE loves, you can't help but love him, he's a great human and I'll only ever speak highly of him. If you know, you know. (the pic below isn't him!)

However, since him, it's a been a bit of a shit show tbh. I've had a long and hard journey of untangling an entire emotional mess, I was co-dependent and unforgiving of myself for the mistakes I made that caused this relationship to break down. Funnily enough, he was someone who I bonded with over getting pretty messy. We spent about 4 and a half years having adventures and getting up to all sorts of mischief followed by about half a year of losing touch with each other for one reason or another, resulting in a pretty dramatic and unbearable break-up. (a dependency on valium and a pretty scary trip to the hospital). Back then if you'd told me I'd now be almost 10 months sober, I wouldn't have even been able to comprehend it.

Dating is a battlefield in London right now and I'm no different to every other girl or guy who has been on the worn out conveyor belt of dating apps, left feeling tired and bored. People on apps are exhausted, there's no spark in any conversation anymore, you can tell when someone is new to apps, as their enthusiasm is scary compared to 'app veteran's' who get bored after a few lines of conversation. Dating apps have just become part of the addictive app routine check we do on our phones; Instagram, check, Facebook, check, Hinge, check, Gmail, check and then the search for a quick hit achieved by receiving a like, a match or some other type of notification starts again all over again, until we get one annnnd then we need another. What the fuck are our kids gonna do with all bullshit?! Maybe we are all just codependent narcissists really.

I've probably deleted and re-installed Hinge and Tinder a million times - don't know if it's just for the dopamine hit or whether I actually genuinely believe the love of my life is just around the next swipe. Deffo gonna go with the dopamine - look, I don't do drugs anymore, I have to get my kicks somewhere ;) - Kicks is an appropriate term when it comes to dating apps...you can be left feeling physically beaten up after a few bad or boring dates. I have a tendency to go for very unavailable men, I have a pretty standard type... tattooed, scruffy weirdo's.

I NEVER want this blog to be about MEN, do not get me wrong, but at the end of the day, I'm writing about my experience during my first year of sobriety. Some shitty things happened recently and when these things happen, I stop wanting to write. I think because writing it out and seeing it in black and white makes it that little bit more real and depressing.

I've been seeing a guy, in a very open way for a little while, who has opened my eyes to my co-dependency and actually really helped it, although... I'm a little scared he's managed to turn my heart into stone. This is the thing I don't want to write out... I feel safer on my own, I don't want to get involved with anyone, I seem to be surrounded by people who lie and cheat and my sobriety is so sacred to me that I'm scared of being hurt by someone and it in any way affecting that.

Writing that out made me have tears in my eyes a little, because I CAN NOT even remember what it feels like to have a constant partner in my life who I trust fully, who I wake up next to and feel utterly at ease with and I'm scared that I'll never let anyone get close to that again for fear of them or me fucking it up. What is more upsetting is that I don't think I even want that... because I quite literally trust no-one. I guess the good side to that is I no longer hand out my love like it's a freebie with a magazine. Within my friendships there is a lot of focus on 'finding the one' 'feeling complete' but I think for me right now, I need to be my one, happiness isn't only found in waking up next to 'that person' but in feeling content with who and where you are...and I'd say I'm very close to being there. So, yes a couple of boys did shitty things this week which left me feeling disappointed in men AGAIN but who cares really, writing this out has helped me to just put those things to bed, so it did its job.

Sober or not sober this post isn't really about that, It's about saying the truth even if your voice shakes, being uncomfortable and writing or speaking about it is a chance to grow your bones, to move forward and to change your story. Sorry for the jumbled up rant.