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I'm bored and I'm an imposter.

I'm bored… and I’m an imposter!

‘I'm BORED....’ – this was a part of a blog post I had written just before Christmas.

I read a phrase the other day that said - '…neither lost nor found', and although it was enough to make me feel a bit sick in my mouth, it did really resonate with me. Removing booze from my life has (at times) made me feel a little restless and lost. If you’re at all like me, the go-to people, places and things that you're used to have to change (a little or sometimes a lot) and I definitely found myself feeling pretty lost at times...

BUT at the same time, I have found so much more than what I feel I have lost…. That’s a bit of a confusing one isn’t it!?

I find myself relentlessly watching stories of people at parties, parties that I would have (once upon a time in East London) ended up at, and I find myself feeling a weird mixture of emotions – fear that I will no longer see these people, fear that I will no longer know these people and (if I’m 100% honest) I feel a bit jealous… I feel all of these feels whilst also being happy that I'm sat in my bed watching them from a distance, knowing that I won’t be having a McDonalds binge first thing tomorrow or wake up DYING over some thirsty texts I sent whilst trying to ignore how much money I took out to buy some (most probably) very shit coke.

To not have that horrible moment that the party is over and the birds start up (you know the birds that start tweeting giving you THE FEAR at 8am at an afters?!), prompting you to finally order a taxi home, where you will be met met with insomnia and ALL the things you NEVER want to think about - they'll pop into your head....right at that moment...things you didn't even know you were anxious about, they'll decide to pop into your head too. Sure, THIS is the moment you want to have a billion thoughts running around your head and no-one to discuss them with.

Just you, your thoughts and clock-watching. Eeeesh.

Sleep is an old mate who doesn't wanna know you anymore.

Not to go offtrack too much…

I am having massive imposter syndrome at the moment! I keep questioning why a reformed party girl who liked cocaine and Red Wine too much has the right to speak in this space whilst also trying to remember that everyone's story is valid – this was my mantra before and after I made my story public.

I get asked whether I go to AA a lot and the answer is no. This isn't because cutting out drink and drugs from my life was easy but I don’t feel that AA is for me. I understand that for some people it's a necessity but I have found other ways to stay sober that work for me.

Everyone's story is valid.

I know lots of people who have quit drinking and drugs, each with their own personal reasons. For me the problem wasn't dramatically losing jobs, or burning my house down or waking up in desperate need of a drink but that isn't what defines a problem and not subscribing to these tropes suddenly started to feel like I didn't have the right to speak in this space but I do and the messages I receive from people remind me that.

There's less noise in the addiction realm for, simply put, 'bad habits' that you do on repeat and which aren't serving you, the ones that strip away your confidence rather that enhancing it. For the quick fixes which fail to fix anything. For casual coke taking and binge drinking.

The truth is…

At my highest (and lowest point) I was doing coke numerous times a week and was drinking pretty much 3/4 times a week. I'm not a bad drunk, I don't fall about being a total dickhead but I DID make bad decisions, exhaust myself and surround myself with lots of acquaintances.

We are the stories we tell and my stories were becoming repetitive – drink, drugs, chat, boys, repeat. I desperately wanted a change of story.

Removing drink and drugs from life has given me the ability to see clearer. It made me see that I was co-dependant for a long time and this is something which has taken a LOT of hard work to overcome. I've been sober now for almost 10 months, I've been single now for around 3 years and I've been falling back in love with myself for about 8 months so I'm currently in a steady relationship with myself and it's going pretty well tbh.


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